Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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