I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
