And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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