I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
