Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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