he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
