You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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