the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
