I've blown a few things in my day
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
