i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
