Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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