A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
