like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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