I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
