yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
