if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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