she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
