Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
