True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
