I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
