i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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