Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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