I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
