She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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