So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
