We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
