his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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