hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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