shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
