I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
