I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
