a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
