He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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