Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize