True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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