He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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