I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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