he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
