We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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