I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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