matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize