Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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