When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
