Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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