my phone needs a breathalizer
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
