im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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