Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
