I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
