Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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