i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
