My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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