dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
