we have pet lesbian snakes
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
