Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
