I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
