I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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