Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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